Day 135; My first gain

I don’t need any sort of build up or suspense for the weigh ins of this week. There’s no easy way for me to say it but, yes, I’ve gained weight. I do feel upset, as I worked hard at some point along the line to get that off and then I’ve just mindlessly put it on again. I know exactly why it has happened, and I can even make a list of the reasons:

– I’ve stopped entering my food onto the online food diary. I thought I was ready to break away from it as it is annoying and time consuming but clearly I’m not.
– I’ve not been weighing my healthy extra’s. In the morning before an exam I don’t have a lot of time and I can’t pither about wasting time weighing out my cereal.
– I’ve been eating a lot more food. My plates are generally more packed with food, and I feel completely full once I’ve finished. I can even feel full before I’ve finished, but that hasn’t stopped me finishing my plate (I’ve grown up learning to always finish my plate, it’s just a moral habit).
– I am choosing ‘comfort foods’ – not biscuits and cakes, but rather than having lots of veg I’m having pasta and potatoes far more often, which I am allowed but my body is not used to that anymore.
– I am very stressed about my exams, and that is making me feel upset. If I was going to have a gain during my journey, it would be at a time like this.
– I am eating later at night. Some times I haven’t eaten until gone 10 o’clock because I’ve been so distracted with revision that I’ve completely forgotten to make my dinner.
– I am snacking more.
– It may be because I am getting quite close to target, and therefore the mental barrier is more difficult to overcome than the actual weight loss.
– I could be putting on muscle due to my yoga toning and hitting the gym – although this is unlikely considering I can’t see it at all.

So as you can see there is a pretty extensive list of reasons why I have gained weight this week. It’s not rocket science, I am not doing myself justice by behaving like this. It’s as if some of my old habits are creeping back in. I don’t think I will be able to overcome all of ^ those issues overnight, but I do hope that I can control some of them to ensure that I get back on track this coming week.

So I bet you’re wondering how much I gained. 1/2 a pound. That’s it. But the significance of a gain has brought me to tears. I spent a lot of yesterday just curled up in a ball crying. I had to enter it onto slimming world and my once perfect graph now has a horrible kink in it, and I just feel ashamed. I think it’s because I had aimed to never gain, and just go straight through to target with a clean slate. I still did my yoga for at least 15 minutes (sometimes for an hour) every day and I went to the gym twice this week. I need to accept that it has happened and use this experience as a learning curve. I suppose it would have been worse if I thought I’d stayed fully on plan and then gained weight, as that would have felt unjust and I wouldn’t know what else to do other than exercise harder or eat less (and I am not getting into THAT cycle again).

So that was the weekly weigh in, and today was my monthly weigh in. I probably should have just combined the days into one weigh in day because stepping on the scales every day gets very addictive very quickly. I was even considering having a detox, where I don’t get on the scales for 2 weeks rather than one to get me out of the ‘fear’ of weighing myself. I will have to decide if I want to do that though because I have to enter my weight into the SW website every Tuesday, plus I don’t want to get into a mindset whereby I know I have 14 days before I weigh myself and so I stop caring as much.

So last month, I weighed 13st 4lbs. This month I weigh..

12st 13lbs

That means that I have lost only 5lbs this month. But it’s 5lbs that I never want to see again. I’ve lost 59lbs since before Christmas, and I must sound ridiculous to be gutted about that. I think that Now that I have slightly more time in between exams, I will be able to get myself to the gym and back into a normal day routine without as much intense stressing. So onwards and upwards.


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